Texas and Alaska

by Cantinker Moss


Someone I know posted this cute joke on Facebook the other day.  My only worry is that I might offend some Texans as I relate it.  But most Texans are pretty good-natured, and seriously, I really can’t picture this in the category of hate speech.  I don’t think many Texans would either.

Actually, the joke presents a certain logic if you think about it.  And the embellishments in my paraphrase really could be the color of any conversation in any drinking establishment by any two people until you get to the punchline, which illustrates a logic that is unique for the situation.  “If you do it…it is true!”  Do what?  Well, here goes—all in good fun!


…A certain Texan walked into a bar in Juneau, Alaska.  He was about 6’2″ and weighed about 250 pounds.  He wore boots and spurs, had on a range coat with fur about the neck, and of course the obligatory ten gallon hat on his head.

After a few Olympias, he began to mutter, then talk loudly.  Two bar stools to his right he noticed a short Eskimo who had just come down from the North Slope, and had just finished his beer.  He was not up for much conversation with anyone.

The Texan, one foot on a railing just above the floor, one elbow leaning on the bar, and the other extending an arm and hand holding another glass of beer, turned to the Eskimo and said,

“Hey, little feller…don’t you know everything is big in Texas?”

The Eskimo wondered what the statement really had to do with anything.  But then he again heard the Texan say a little louder,

“Hey, don’t you know everything is big in Texas?”

The Eskimo began to wonder if he should have another beer, or for that matter, buy the big fellow a beer.  But he remained silent until suddenly the Texan turned, fully facing the Eskimo, and shouted so loudly that the bar crowd turned quiet.  At the top of his lungs he said,

“Hey mister, I’m talking to you!  Didn’t you hear me say everything is bigger in Texas!  Whaddya think ’bout that?!”

It was a scene perhaps from the Old West.  The Texan could have been Wes Hardin, ready to draw a couple of Colts from his holster.  But the Eskimo decided to let his wit be the better part of valor.  Because the place was silent as patrons waited to see what the native would do, the Eskimo could speak in a calm, measured tone with the right amount of volume.  He said for all to hear,

“Sir, if you don’t be quiet, we’ll cut Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state in the union.”

The crowd erupted in laughter.  The Eskimo went out into the snowy street.  And the Texan was still leaning against the bar when the establishment was ready to close.